half of my heart

This being father's day, it's the perfect time to explain my blog name, if I can. Half of my heart refers to one of the popular window stickers found on military posts - "Half of my heart is in Iraq", or "Half of my heart is in Afghanistan". The sticker lets people know the family has a servicemember deployed - their husband or wife. If I ever write an autobiography, this will be the title. For military wives, deployment stories are like childbirth stories or family lore. Military wives swap them over cups of coffee or happy meals while your kids play together at McDonalds. Deployment is part of our shared history.

My working theory about deployment is "That which does not kill you makes you stronger."
I've started trying to narrate our first deployment story, but haven't made it all the way through yet. I'll probably post it once I finish. We are nearing the end of our second deployment now, with plenty of adventures that need recording, too.

Anyway, back to the title - Our first deployment started almost 6 years ago - and it was one of those trial by fire experiences. Terrible but important at the same time. A little background on me - I come from a family of strong women (the men are strong and unique too) and was raised on the saying "Anything boys can do, girls can do better." My feminist leanings were further encouraged at Bryn Mawr. On top of this, my parents divorced when I was 21, leaving me all kinds of confused about how to manage in a marriage. My husband Tracy, bless him, came from a very stable, traditional family. But we had different ideas about marriage - does a marriage mean you belong to each other, or is it made up of two individuals choosing to be together? It may seem esoteric, but it was upsetting. And, how do men and women truly work together in a marriage? What unique abilities do fathers bring to the table when compared with mothers (here I have to say my Psych background was completely unhelpful). Introduce kids to the mix, and introduce our first deployment. In one way, deployment is like a carefully controlled experiment about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children (or mothers, for those deployed moms). There is no confounding effect of divorce (at least not in our case) or significant parental conflict (usually). You take a (fairly) normal family, remove the dad for a long period of time, observe the reactions of the remaining family members. Classic. Introduce situational stress (lots), which magnifies the reactions of the family members. What do you learn? Or really, what did I learn? It also helped that I reviewed what little information I could find about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children for a father who was looking to gain custody of his adolescent son (I was paid for this, it wasn't my idea). All these events propelled me into much more serious pondering about this man I married, and his importance to me and to our children. The whole experience was incredibly humbling. I really didn't manage as well as I thought I could by myself. I needed him - not just to help clean, or take care of kids, or fix the broken down trucks and sink. As I said, my psychology background didn't really help me figure this out at all. There aren't many theories about the critical nature of fathers (though I found some good information in long term studies of children of divorced parents). So, I searched for answers in church materials and scriptures. My church teaches that fatherhood is a sacred responsibility. Fathers preside over the families, they provide and protect. I used to think of that as old-fashioned, but it suddenly made much more sense. I missed his leadership, his protection, his thoughtful decision making (I'm far too impulsive). Now, during this current deployment, I see how the kids need his firmness. I see how much they miss him. I really was unprepared for how much the kids missed their dad. The incredible sadness due to the separation. All of the sudden, the account in Genesis seemed so important - "And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:22-24. I love the fact that Eve was made from a rib - her origins were close to Adam's heart. And, that through marriage, two individuals are united into one flesh. One heart.

I'm not meaning to get preachy. I'm not sure I can even put into words how exactly my thinking changed, though it did. I made up my mind to search for ways to better support Tracy in his roles as father and patriarch of our family. My illusion of my independence (which was pretty well blown by the whole deployment experience) softened. I depended on him and needed him. What a difference it has made.

I haven't ever told Tracy about this soul searching. Frankly, I'm embarrased that it took me so long to really value the unique gifts and abilities he brings to our marriage. It's not that I didn't love him, because I have, from the time we met. But now I'm more aware of the problems that crop up (subtle and not) when he isn't around. I'm more aware of his place in our lives. So, I titled my blog half of my heart out of gratitude for what I've learned, and for Tracy.