Today is Independence Day, a perfect day for finishing a book like AWOL: The Unexcused Absence of America's Upper Classes from Military Service - and How it Hurts our Country, by Kathy Roth-Douquet and Frank Schaeffer.
I'm relatively new to the culture of the military. Although my husband has about 18 years or more of time in the National Guard, I was very much removed from most of the military culture. Tracy usually drilled 4 hours away from wherever we lived, so I only met the other soldiers and their families for special occasions - Christmas parties and the like. All that changed when we arrived here - our first duty post as full-timers. While there are some challenges, I have really loved it. I love the sense of community here, the closeness with our neighbors, the many smart, independent women I've met. In fact, I recently returned to Bryn Mawr for a reunion (the first I had attended), and many of my college friends complained about feeling isolated, or not having a community of interesting, intelligent women to be around. "Not me," I told them, which it totally true. I wouldn't replace my college friends (or any of my Utah or Texas friends either), but I have been continually surprised by the kind of support and friendship military families extend to one another. They have to find support somewhere - moving every couple of years, often living hundreds or thousands of miles away from family. Plus the deployments - If you don't have a good dose of independence before these, you soon learn some.
Anyway, back to the book. Written by two military family members - one a spouse of a marine (Kathy Douquet, she also happens to be a Bryn Mawr alum - and political campainer for Bill Clinton. Her stories didn't always go down well with me). The other author is a father of a marine; both are well-educated and self-proclaimed upper class folks. As the title describes, the book describes the relatively recent (within the past 50 years) significant decline in numbers of upper class kids who join the military. The authors reported that if you look back to the Constitution, the founding fathers pictured a military that was representative of the population, a citizen/soldier model. They shunned the idea of a professional military class of people (bad experience with the Hessians?), suspicious of the development of any kind of "elite-led caste" that could influence public policy. However, military service was a point of pride, it was an honor to be able to serve our country. The authors noted that this sentiment is often lacking today. The focus today seems to be more like "what can you do for me?" Military service is portrayed not as the "patriotic" thing to do, an honorable way to give back, but a way for poorer kids to earn money for college, or a good trade for people who don't have other choices. The authors clearly pointed out that most current military personelle really do join to serve their country - and this desire to serve is often misunderstood by others. (hear, hear!)
The authors also noted that significant problems can develop if our "ruling class" are not personally invested in our military. It's easy, with the high level of professionalism generally presented by the military, to send them off to solve problems in other parts of the world. Would our leaders think these decisions through more carefully if their own children were in uniform? Would they be as likely to send our troops out ill-prepared and ill-equiped if their own sons and daughters were among those serving? And, with the lack of military experience in our leaders, who will be able to advise them about the feasability of military operations? All great questions!
I can't really do the book justice with just a paragraph or two. I highly recommend it to any grateful citizen of our country. Happy 4th!
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Funny things the kids say
My kids are hilarious. They come up with some very interesting statements at times. Thought I'd have a place to record these as they occur. Here's the latest TJ (age 7) comment.
Yesterday he was playing with his feet, flipped a bird with his toes. "Mom, is this an obscure gesture?" he asked. "Yes TJ, yes it is." my reply.
Yesterday he was playing with his feet, flipped a bird with his toes. "Mom, is this an obscure gesture?" he asked. "Yes TJ, yes it is." my reply.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Ode to our deceased gerbils
I had a gerbil, but he died.
I don’t know how, I’m mystified!
Maybe my little sister’s hug
For gerbils- was a bit too snug.
We dried our tears and bought another.
(We think it was our gerbil’s brother).
And mom, I wonder how she knew,
That this time we should purchase two.
These gerbils lasted slightly longer,
Grew up leary, bigger, stronger.
But Tylegnaw would rue the day
He ever tried to run away!
It seems his running days were through,
When he ran underneath my shoe.
Concerned our gerbils were too frail,
Mom asked if we would like a snail,
Or something sturdy and robust.
(An exoskeleton’s a must!)
When baby turtle came along,
We were thrilled! What could go wrong?
Our turtle, speedy as a mouse-
We think he’s somewhere in the house.
We’ve left some food out in the hall,
But haven’t seen him, not at all.
We’ll find him, surely as he sneaks.
We’re good – it’s only been 8 weeks.
Our final, lonely gerbil gent,
Was in a little accident.
He hit his head – no, not so wise,
And wound up mostly paralyzed.
Sweet thing, I loved him anyway.
(At least he couldn’t run away).
When someone used him for a seat,
Our gerbil graveyard was complete.
Sadly, there was one pet more-
A hermit crab found at the shore.
This pet had no staying power.
He lasted only half an hour.
It was really not my fault
I added too much table salt.
A cup of water from the tap
Was not his ocean habitat!
I’m pet-less, now, maybe for good.
I’d bring them all back if I could.
Don’t judge too swiftly, for I’m small.
I did my best and loved them all.
And though I cry and beg and moan,
Mom said no pets till dad gets home.
Unless I find a nice bullfrog-
I’ll have to wait to get a dog!
(It is all sad and true).
I don’t know how, I’m mystified!
Maybe my little sister’s hug
For gerbils- was a bit too snug.
We dried our tears and bought another.
(We think it was our gerbil’s brother).
And mom, I wonder how she knew,
That this time we should purchase two.
These gerbils lasted slightly longer,
Grew up leary, bigger, stronger.
But Tylegnaw would rue the day
He ever tried to run away!
It seems his running days were through,
When he ran underneath my shoe.
Concerned our gerbils were too frail,
Mom asked if we would like a snail,
Or something sturdy and robust.
(An exoskeleton’s a must!)
When baby turtle came along,
We were thrilled! What could go wrong?
Our turtle, speedy as a mouse-
We think he’s somewhere in the house.
We’ve left some food out in the hall,
But haven’t seen him, not at all.
We’ll find him, surely as he sneaks.
We’re good – it’s only been 8 weeks.
Our final, lonely gerbil gent,
Was in a little accident.
He hit his head – no, not so wise,
And wound up mostly paralyzed.
Sweet thing, I loved him anyway.
(At least he couldn’t run away).
When someone used him for a seat,
Our gerbil graveyard was complete.
Sadly, there was one pet more-
A hermit crab found at the shore.
This pet had no staying power.
He lasted only half an hour.
It was really not my fault
I added too much table salt.
A cup of water from the tap
Was not his ocean habitat!
I’m pet-less, now, maybe for good.
I’d bring them all back if I could.
Don’t judge too swiftly, for I’m small.
I did my best and loved them all.
And though I cry and beg and moan,
Mom said no pets till dad gets home.
Unless I find a nice bullfrog-
I’ll have to wait to get a dog!
(It is all sad and true).
Thursday, June 28, 2007
The Universal Language of Uno
We live on a military installation, and in our housing area are some finished houses and duplexes that are reserved for foreign officers and their families who come here for military courses. We've met many different families from all over the world - Pakistan, India, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Poland, to name a few. We are also on very good terms with the British and Canadian Liason officers and their families. Getting to meet these individuals has been one of the highlights of my experience here. We have built friendships with some of these families, particularly our Lebanese and Pakistani neighbors (who have since returned to their own countries). I have to say that it is easier to do when they all speak English. Recently, a new family moved in across the street with 5 beautiful children. I took over some fresh baked apple bread (which was still warm and promptly crumbled; Nice to meet you, have some mangled bread:) and attempted to talk to them only to find out that the wife and children didn't speak English and the husband was asleep. "We'll come back later," I told them, though I don't know if they understood. I met the family the following evening at the park and found out they were from Kuwait. I am a sucker for these beautiful brown eyed children, who sit on their front porch with their hands on their chins waiting for someone to come by to play. I encourage my kids to go out and meet them, find some game they can play together. This sometimes works, and sometimes does not. Last year, a family from Saudi Arabia lived behind us, and their kids were a little young, a little more rowdy (like my own), and my kids had a difficult time with them. They did try hard, bless their hearts, but were constantly upset when the other children didn't understand the rules of the games they were making up, or ran off with their toys, etc. I also had my first experience visiting with this Saudi mother (who couldn't leave the house to supervise the kids unless she had on her robe and veil). Making small talk with anyone is not my strongest point - I get nervous and can't think of a thing to say. So, it was even worse when the person sitting across from me didn't speak English. She ended up pulling out a picture dictionary, and we made a go of it as best we could. Apparently, social visits between women are an important part of life in the middle east, and it is considered sort of rude to not sit down and accept their drink (I've usually been given some kind of orange drink - Tang or Sunni delight) and food. OK, fast forward to this week. Early this week, the kids and I went outside and filled up our little swimming pool, and coaxed the Kuwaiti kids into coming over. They filled up their bigger pool and organized a few games. Turns out the oldest girl (about 11), knows enough English to organize the younger kids (aka, boss them around:). My kids did really well - they had fun. So, yesterday, when their kids came over and wanted our kids to go over to their place, I was all for it. I'd been watching them sitting on their porch and sidewalk waiting for us to get home from our errands. Emma wanted me to come with her, so I went along. Sat down, was given my traditional orange drink and slice of cream pie, and tried to think of something simple to say. It was painful, really. I asked about the ages of the children, which towns here they had visited (not sure she understood that question). After a few minutes the conversation started to lag. Then I noticed a deck of familiar looking cards on their table. "Do you play Uno?" I asked? "Uno, yes, yes!" they all said. I ran to fetch TJ who was next door, and we all sat down to a rousing game of Uno (which I actually won, though it isn't important). What was important to me was finding some common ground, some way to break though the language problems and make friends. I am optimistic that our relations with this family will be enriching for all of us. Already my boys are requesting more soccer time with Abdurazag (their 9 year old), and Emma lets the two oldest girls (Manar and Najed) carry her around and dote on her. I think this is the beginning of a nice global friendshp -although I know it will be sticky at times due to lack of a common language. Lucky for us there is the universal language of Uno.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
half of my heart
This being father's day, it's the perfect time to explain my blog name, if I can. Half of my heart refers to one of the popular window stickers found on military posts - "Half of my heart is in Iraq", or "Half of my heart is in Afghanistan". The sticker lets people know the family has a servicemember deployed - their husband or wife. If I ever write an autobiography, this will be the title. For military wives, deployment stories are like childbirth stories or family lore. Military wives swap them over cups of coffee or happy meals while your kids play together at McDonalds. Deployment is part of our shared history.
My working theory about deployment is "That which does not kill you makes you stronger."
I've started trying to narrate our first deployment story, but haven't made it all the way through yet. I'll probably post it once I finish. We are nearing the end of our second deployment now, with plenty of adventures that need recording, too.
Anyway, back to the title - Our first deployment started almost 6 years ago - and it was one of those trial by fire experiences. Terrible but important at the same time. A little background on me - I come from a family of strong women (the men are strong and unique too) and was raised on the saying "Anything boys can do, girls can do better." My feminist leanings were further encouraged at Bryn Mawr. On top of this, my parents divorced when I was 21, leaving me all kinds of confused about how to manage in a marriage. My husband Tracy, bless him, came from a very stable, traditional family. But we had different ideas about marriage - does a marriage mean you belong to each other, or is it made up of two individuals choosing to be together? It may seem esoteric, but it was upsetting. And, how do men and women truly work together in a marriage? What unique abilities do fathers bring to the table when compared with mothers (here I have to say my Psych background was completely unhelpful). Introduce kids to the mix, and introduce our first deployment. In one way, deployment is like a carefully controlled experiment about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children (or mothers, for those deployed moms). There is no confounding effect of divorce (at least not in our case) or significant parental conflict (usually). You take a (fairly) normal family, remove the dad for a long period of time, observe the reactions of the remaining family members. Classic. Introduce situational stress (lots), which magnifies the reactions of the family members. What do you learn? Or really, what did I learn? It also helped that I reviewed what little information I could find about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children for a father who was looking to gain custody of his adolescent son (I was paid for this, it wasn't my idea). All these events propelled me into much more serious pondering about this man I married, and his importance to me and to our children. The whole experience was incredibly humbling. I really didn't manage as well as I thought I could by myself. I needed him - not just to help clean, or take care of kids, or fix the broken down trucks and sink. As I said, my psychology background didn't really help me figure this out at all. There aren't many theories about the critical nature of fathers (though I found some good information in long term studies of children of divorced parents). So, I searched for answers in church materials and scriptures. My church teaches that fatherhood is a sacred responsibility. Fathers preside over the families, they provide and protect. I used to think of that as old-fashioned, but it suddenly made much more sense. I missed his leadership, his protection, his thoughtful decision making (I'm far too impulsive). Now, during this current deployment, I see how the kids need his firmness. I see how much they miss him. I really was unprepared for how much the kids missed their dad. The incredible sadness due to the separation. All of the sudden, the account in Genesis seemed so important - "And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:22-24. I love the fact that Eve was made from a rib - her origins were close to Adam's heart. And, that through marriage, two individuals are united into one flesh. One heart.
I'm not meaning to get preachy. I'm not sure I can even put into words how exactly my thinking changed, though it did. I made up my mind to search for ways to better support Tracy in his roles as father and patriarch of our family. My illusion of my independence (which was pretty well blown by the whole deployment experience) softened. I depended on him and needed him. What a difference it has made.
I haven't ever told Tracy about this soul searching. Frankly, I'm embarrased that it took me so long to really value the unique gifts and abilities he brings to our marriage. It's not that I didn't love him, because I have, from the time we met. But now I'm more aware of the problems that crop up (subtle and not) when he isn't around. I'm more aware of his place in our lives. So, I titled my blog half of my heart out of gratitude for what I've learned, and for Tracy.
My working theory about deployment is "That which does not kill you makes you stronger."
I've started trying to narrate our first deployment story, but haven't made it all the way through yet. I'll probably post it once I finish. We are nearing the end of our second deployment now, with plenty of adventures that need recording, too.
Anyway, back to the title - Our first deployment started almost 6 years ago - and it was one of those trial by fire experiences. Terrible but important at the same time. A little background on me - I come from a family of strong women (the men are strong and unique too) and was raised on the saying "Anything boys can do, girls can do better." My feminist leanings were further encouraged at Bryn Mawr. On top of this, my parents divorced when I was 21, leaving me all kinds of confused about how to manage in a marriage. My husband Tracy, bless him, came from a very stable, traditional family. But we had different ideas about marriage - does a marriage mean you belong to each other, or is it made up of two individuals choosing to be together? It may seem esoteric, but it was upsetting. And, how do men and women truly work together in a marriage? What unique abilities do fathers bring to the table when compared with mothers (here I have to say my Psych background was completely unhelpful). Introduce kids to the mix, and introduce our first deployment. In one way, deployment is like a carefully controlled experiment about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children (or mothers, for those deployed moms). There is no confounding effect of divorce (at least not in our case) or significant parental conflict (usually). You take a (fairly) normal family, remove the dad for a long period of time, observe the reactions of the remaining family members. Classic. Introduce situational stress (lots), which magnifies the reactions of the family members. What do you learn? Or really, what did I learn? It also helped that I reviewed what little information I could find about the importance of fathers in the lives of their children for a father who was looking to gain custody of his adolescent son (I was paid for this, it wasn't my idea). All these events propelled me into much more serious pondering about this man I married, and his importance to me and to our children. The whole experience was incredibly humbling. I really didn't manage as well as I thought I could by myself. I needed him - not just to help clean, or take care of kids, or fix the broken down trucks and sink. As I said, my psychology background didn't really help me figure this out at all. There aren't many theories about the critical nature of fathers (though I found some good information in long term studies of children of divorced parents). So, I searched for answers in church materials and scriptures. My church teaches that fatherhood is a sacred responsibility. Fathers preside over the families, they provide and protect. I used to think of that as old-fashioned, but it suddenly made much more sense. I missed his leadership, his protection, his thoughtful decision making (I'm far too impulsive). Now, during this current deployment, I see how the kids need his firmness. I see how much they miss him. I really was unprepared for how much the kids missed their dad. The incredible sadness due to the separation. All of the sudden, the account in Genesis seemed so important - "And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:22-24. I love the fact that Eve was made from a rib - her origins were close to Adam's heart. And, that through marriage, two individuals are united into one flesh. One heart.
I'm not meaning to get preachy. I'm not sure I can even put into words how exactly my thinking changed, though it did. I made up my mind to search for ways to better support Tracy in his roles as father and patriarch of our family. My illusion of my independence (which was pretty well blown by the whole deployment experience) softened. I depended on him and needed him. What a difference it has made.
I haven't ever told Tracy about this soul searching. Frankly, I'm embarrased that it took me so long to really value the unique gifts and abilities he brings to our marriage. It's not that I didn't love him, because I have, from the time we met. But now I'm more aware of the problems that crop up (subtle and not) when he isn't around. I'm more aware of his place in our lives. So, I titled my blog half of my heart out of gratitude for what I've learned, and for Tracy.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Confessions of a bookworm
My husband has been deployed for almost 11 months, and should be home in just a few more. As we near the end, I'm looking back at the highs and lows. Many of the lows were soothed by an escape from my own reality into a book (or a pile of them). I think I've read more this year than any other year of my life. I thought it might be fun to produce my reading list here. I know this is not a complete list - many of the books I've read I've sent back to my mother and sister (who love me and keep me in reading materials). As I remember them, I'll add them.
I love fiction, and tend to stick to YA (young adult literature) mainly for content (plus great writing). I find that I'm just not up for the adult content in adult fiction nowadays.
YA fiction:
*Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
*New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants - Ann Brashares (great characters)
Second Summer of the Sisterhood - Ann Brashares
Girls in Pants - Ann Brashares
Forever in Blue - Ann Brashares
Eragon - Christopher Paolini
Eldest - Christopher Paolini
Sorcery & Cecelia or The Enchanted Chocolate Pot - Patricia Wrede & Caroline Stevermer
Keturah and Lord Death - Martine Leavitt
Son of the Mob - Gordon Korman
The Golden Compass - Philip Pullman (a little creepy)
Chasing Vermeer - Blue Balliett
Al Capone Does my Shirts - Gennifer Choldenko
Saving Francesca - Melina Marchetta
Princess Academy - Shannon Hale
Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix (re-read via audio tape)
Harry Potter & the Half-blood Prince (ditto)
Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban (reread)
Bridge to Terabithia - Katherine Paterson
The Great Gilly Hopkins - Katherine Paterson
*Sarah, Plain and Tall - Patricia MacLachlan
The Boxcar Children - Gertrude Chandler Warner (for my second grader)
My Mom's a Mortician - Patricia Wiles
Funeral Home Evenings - Patricia Wiles
Early Morning Cemetery - Patricia Wiles
Joey Pigza Loses Control - Jack Gantos (didn't like at all)
Becoming Naomi Leon - Pam Munoz Ryan
*Soldier Mom - Alice Mead
Adult books
Cry, The Beloved Country - Alan Paton
Heroes at Home - Ellie Kay
The Work and the Glory: Pillar of Light - Gerald N. Lund
The Work and the Glory: Like a Fire is Burning - Gerald N. Lund
The Work and the Glory: Truth Will Prevail - Gerald N. Lund
A Sense of Wonder - Katherine Patterson
Far from Cactus Flat - Lyman Hafen
*ADHD with Comorbid Disorders - Steven R. Pliszka, Caryn Carlson, James Swanson (CE credit)
I'm also halfway through Patriots -by A.J. Langguth
I read a good chunk of the Old Testament before moving on to the New Testament
Read a bit of A Mormon in the White House? 10 things every American should know about Mitt Romney - Hugh Hewitt (though it seemed redundant so I quit)
As of 6/17/07
I forgot a few:
The Samauri's Garden
The Toughest Show on Earth? (Autobiography of Joseph Volpe - Metropolitan Opera)
New Reads:
Crispin: The Cross of Lead - Avi
The Thief Lord - Cornelia Funke
Mothering with Spiritual Power - Debra Woods (comes out in a few months, gave endorsement)
The Minstrel's Tale - Berit Haahr (a classmate from Bryn Mawr)
I love fiction, and tend to stick to YA (young adult literature) mainly for content (plus great writing). I find that I'm just not up for the adult content in adult fiction nowadays.
YA fiction:
*Twilight - Stephenie Meyer
*New Moon - Stephenie Meyer
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants - Ann Brashares (great characters)
Second Summer of the Sisterhood - Ann Brashares
Girls in Pants - Ann Brashares
Forever in Blue - Ann Brashares
Eragon - Christopher Paolini
Eldest - Christopher Paolini
Sorcery & Cecelia or The Enchanted Chocolate Pot - Patricia Wrede & Caroline Stevermer
Keturah and Lord Death - Martine Leavitt
Son of the Mob - Gordon Korman
The Golden Compass - Philip Pullman (a little creepy)
Chasing Vermeer - Blue Balliett
Al Capone Does my Shirts - Gennifer Choldenko
Saving Francesca - Melina Marchetta
Princess Academy - Shannon Hale
Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix (re-read via audio tape)
Harry Potter & the Half-blood Prince (ditto)
Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban (reread)
Bridge to Terabithia - Katherine Paterson
The Great Gilly Hopkins - Katherine Paterson
*Sarah, Plain and Tall - Patricia MacLachlan
The Boxcar Children - Gertrude Chandler Warner (for my second grader)
My Mom's a Mortician - Patricia Wiles
Funeral Home Evenings - Patricia Wiles
Early Morning Cemetery - Patricia Wiles
Joey Pigza Loses Control - Jack Gantos (didn't like at all)
Becoming Naomi Leon - Pam Munoz Ryan
*Soldier Mom - Alice Mead
Adult books
Cry, The Beloved Country - Alan Paton
Heroes at Home - Ellie Kay
The Work and the Glory: Pillar of Light - Gerald N. Lund
The Work and the Glory: Like a Fire is Burning - Gerald N. Lund
The Work and the Glory: Truth Will Prevail - Gerald N. Lund
A Sense of Wonder - Katherine Patterson
Far from Cactus Flat - Lyman Hafen
*ADHD with Comorbid Disorders - Steven R. Pliszka, Caryn Carlson, James Swanson (CE credit)
I'm also halfway through Patriots -by A.J. Langguth
I read a good chunk of the Old Testament before moving on to the New Testament
Read a bit of A Mormon in the White House? 10 things every American should know about Mitt Romney - Hugh Hewitt (though it seemed redundant so I quit)
As of 6/17/07
I forgot a few:
The Samauri's Garden
The Toughest Show on Earth? (Autobiography of Joseph Volpe - Metropolitan Opera)
New Reads:
Crispin: The Cross of Lead - Avi
The Thief Lord - Cornelia Funke
Mothering with Spiritual Power - Debra Woods (comes out in a few months, gave endorsement)
The Minstrel's Tale - Berit Haahr (a classmate from Bryn Mawr)
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